Marriage Mistake: Don't Fix Your Spouse. Do This Instead!

Is this a familiar scenario? You come home from work and your spouse starts complaining about his or her day. You immediately go into “fix it” mode and say — “Well, what you need to do is…” 

This may seem like the logical thing to do, but don’t do it. Your spouse wants to be heard, not told what you think he or she should do. 

Try this the next time your spouse starts talking about problems- Just listen. 

Instead of jumping in with a solutions Try saying: “So what you’re saying is…”

Then mirror back what you heard. You can check in to see if you got it, to make sure you heard what was actually said. 

There’s a good chance your partner will begin to feel validated and understood and this feels so good and is so good for your marriage!

Wouldn’t it be great if there were a way to talk so your spouse would really listen?

I’m hearing you!

Here are 5 powerful tools to help you talk so your spouse will really listen!

How Being Selfish Can Actually Improve Your Marriage

Ahhhhh, the lazy days of summer - when life seems to slow down just a bit and we get that much-deserved R&R. But how many of us actually do slow down? How often do you take the time to recharge your batteries?

You might be wondering why a newsletter about relationships is focusing on self-care. Doesn't that sound a little selfish? 

Quite the contrary.  A great relationship starts with giving from an abundant heart and you can't give what you don't already have. The habit of good self-care is a key ingredient to a great relationship.

The first step is to tune in to yourself so that you can begin to recognize and know what you need.

I tend to take a holistic approach when it comes to working with clients. I view each person's situation from a mind-body-spirit perspective. It's important to focus on all three to create a habit of personal self-care.

Right now, give yourself a few moments to get comfortable and ponder these questions:

• What aspect of my life needs more attention?

• Does my mind need more quiet time or a new hobby?

• Is there a good book I've been meaning to read?

• Does my body need more exercise, more sleep, nutritious food?

• Is there an exercise class I've been meaning to sign up for?

• Does my spirit need time to meditate or pray?

• Is my pattern of self-talk positive or negative?

• Have I given myself permission and time to play?

Once you learn to honor these needs the next step is to express them to your partner in a clear and assertive way. The Imago Dialogue that I teach my clients helps to create the safe space necessary for sharing these delicate needs and to feel comfortable with this process. When you and your partner take the time to listen, mirror, validate, and empathize with each other, a beautiful (and safe) connection emerges. You are better able to support each other in getting each of your needs met in a healthy way.

Reflecting on your own needs takes time and practice. As you slow down and begin to listen deeply, they will begin to emerge and your practice of holistic self-care will become second nature.

As you and your spouse begin to fill your own buckets, you'll be able to selflessly share this wonderful abundance with each other.

Sign up to receive my Healthy Dialogue Guide:

"How To Talk So Your Spouse Will REALLY Listen"

A Great Marriage is More Than Dumb Luck!

Lucky four-leaf clovers are popping up a lot this month along with that elusive pot of gold.  St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner.

My husband and I met on this very special day many moons ago. Though I don’t have a speck of Irish in me, I’d like to think that some of the “Luck o The Irish” can come my way during this time of year.

If Im not careful, though, I can start to believe that luck or wishful thinking has anything to do with creating a great marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. A great marriage involves two people consciously and intentionally creating the kind of marriage they desire together.

If each spouse is dedicated to taking personal responsibility for how they act and what they do to create the marriage they want, the relationship will continue to thrive. 

Does that mean perfection? No way! It may involve falling many times. But it also means having the courage to get back on track again and again. 

Eventually, you start to build a foundation for your relationship and discover that what you share is more solid than fleeting feelings.  You make a decision to see your relationship as a healing journey. The reward is an authentic relationship filled with excitement and passion.

So forget luck. Start reaping those sweet rewards as you forge ahead with determination toward your "pot of gold", the wonderful new relationship you are creating together.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 Click Here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

How To Communicate With Your Spouse The Smart Way!

Have you ever blurted out something stupid and insensitive in an argument with your spouse and you instantly wish you could push the rewind button? 

Well, here's a little tip that might give you a  "Get out of jail free" card. 

Ask your spouse for his or her opinion. Say something like, “How do you see it?” or “What’s your take?” This opens up the possibility of dialogue and it leaves room for an honest discussion instead of a fight. 

So the next time you find yourself backed into a corner by your own thoughtlessness try asking your spouse for their opinion on the subject.

It could mean the difference between a night at the fights…

And a night to remember!

For more ideas about communicating with style check out my free resource:

5 Powerful Tools to Help You Talk... So Your Spouse Will LIsten!

How Married Couples Can Make The Most Out Of Valentine's Day!

The romance of February is here with Valentine’s Day smack-dab in the middle of the month.

So, here is my rock solid marriage advice in honor of this very sexy month. 

Throw caution to the wind and date someone even though you’re married.

Yes, you heard right! I’m breaking out of my conventional comfort zone and suggesting something very radical here.

I suggest surprising this special someone at work with flowers or fresh baked cookies, or sending those seductive texts they love so much. How about sneaking out together for that romantic rendezvous at your favorite restaurant.

So bold, so reckless, so wonderful for your marriage - Huh?

Well, only if that special someone happens to be your spouse. Who says dating has to stop even though you’re married?

If you want an incredible marriage (and who doesn’t) you need to make it incredible. When you are conscious and intentional about your marriage you do what you need to do to make that happen. That includes carving out special time on a regularly basis to actually have fun with each other and connect in a meaningful way.

All work and no play is no way to have a healthy and vibrant marriage. So bring the magic back and start dating that love of your life again. Happy Valentine’s Day!!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

Click Here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

How To Have A Better Marriage For The New Year.

What happened to those New Years Resolutions? All too often they seem to fade away like the morning mist at sunrise. In years past I have resolved to start a new work out routine, drink more water, eat healthier snacks, yada, yada, yada. But by February this resolve is severely waning and by March it’s completely off the radar. I’ve decided to change it up this New Year.

This year I decided to ditch those same old same olds. Those old resolutions that I probably won’t keep for too long.  I have decided to replace them with a focus on living a more balanced life. 

For many of us, trying to maintain balance in life feels a little like walking a tightrope. Most of us have so many demands on our time and energy. Life often feels like a three-ring circus, leaving little time to invest in a healthy marriage. 

Take this quiz to see how well you are meeting responsibilities, while also recognizing and fulfilling your needs and the needs of your relationship.

True or False

____   1. The only way I can successfully manage my life is to take care of myself physically and emotionally.

____2. Nurturing myself enlarges my capacity to have a healthier marriage.

____ 3. I set aside personal, quiet time for myself, whether I’m meditating, journalling, or simply allowing myself time to daydream.

____4. Creativity is nurturing. I take time to do what I love, whether that’s cooking, drawing, fishing, photography or anything that brings magic to my soul.

If you answered false to any of these questions see if you can incorporate something of its message into your life in the New Year.  

Remember, you can’t give what you don’t have. A healthy marriage starts with a healthy you!

So this year let’s resolve to stress less, accomplish more, and take exciting new steps toward healthier relationships!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 Click Here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Married Couples: Are you oversharing on Facebook?

It goes without saying that Facebook has become a social phenomenon. In the click of a button we can let everyone know what, when, and how we are doing. This can be a nice way to touch base and connect to those we don’t see everyday. But all too often people, and particularly couples, tends to indulge in a bit of overshare.

Here are 2 examples for couples of what not to say on Facebook.

1) Strife and squabbles happen in the best of relationships, but do you need to use your status updates to let the world know that your spouse kept you up all night with his incessant snoring? Or, that you're sick of her constantly flirting with the guy next door? Keep it close to the vest people. Some things really need to be kept behind those closed doors. When you come around to making up there is no putting that cat back in the bag. Think before you post.

2) Love, love, love; it makes the world go round. But not everyone wants to hear you proclaim your devotion to your sweetheart with sappy little love songs and poetic romance quotes. Save those precious moments for the Hallmark cards. It’s so much more intimate and real.

(I’m not even going to talk about those gushy hashtags - #loveydovey, really?)

When you’re using Facebook to ask your spouse to pick up a quart of milk on the way home from work or wondering who’s picking the kids up tonight it may be time to slow down and start thinking about how you can reengage in a more meaningful way. Facebook can be a fun and helpful tool to catch up with friends, but don’t let it be a substitute for genuine connection with your partner.

Check out this Huff Post article for more opinions on this subject

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Protect Your Marriage By Avoiding These 4 Harmful Behaviors

When most people are asked to describe what "cheating would look like in their relationship the first thing that comes to mind is an extramarital affair. But there are a number of ways you can cheat your partner out of genuine intimacy without ever having an affair.

As a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist I am all too familiar with the importance of "closing the exits" in your marriage. Affairs, addictions and even mental illness can all be forms of hard-core exits. But exits can also be those subtle little diversions couples engage in that enable them to avoid true intimacy with each other.

Her are four examples of seemingly innocent behavior that can erode your relationship in powerful ways.

1) Over Focusing on Your Children

This one is so easy to rationalize, after all, who doesn't want to be considered a great parent? Of course quality time with your children is important, but not when it's a substitute for quality time with your spouse.

Red flag - Are you spending most evenings reading for long hours with your kids, while your spouse watches television alone? Do your little ones often end up sleeping between the two of you, making sexual intimacy virtually impossible?

2) Working Long Hours

This could mean spending many hours at the office, but it may also mean, for example, being home with your spouse while glued to your laptop.

Red flag - Is your spouse often commenting that you're just not focused enough? Are you missing important family events because of work?

3) Excessive Time Watching TV or Surfing the Net

Everyone needs downtime and these activities help us to decompress after a hard day, but they become troublesome when they are substitutes for meaningful interaction with your spouse. 

Red flag - Are you spending many hours engrossed in the television, computer, or cell phone while your spouse is feeling neglected? Are you spending more time talking on social media than talking to your spouse?

4) Cybersex and Porn

This can sometimes feel like a betrayal every bit as painful as an affair.

Red flag - Has engaging in porn become a substitute for physical intimacy with your spouse? Is your spouse feeling rejected and threatened by this behavior?

An exit drains energy from the relationship and will slowly erode the warm connection you once had. Examining these exits with openness and sincerity is the first step toward recreating that passionate relationship again.

Click here for commentary on this article on the Huffington Post.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Infidelity: Should you share all the details of an affair?

I had the opportunity to participate in an Experts Panel in Manhattan with several therapist including the founders of Imago Relationship Therapy.

Check us out below discussing the pros and cons of sharing the details of an affair. Hope you enjoy it!

2 Reasons Why You DON"T Need The Dirty Details Of Their Affair.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Here's How To Keep The Fireworks Out Of Your Marriage

I hope you had a wonderful 4th. I know I did. We got to watch the fireworks in downtown Bethlehem. They were great.

It's fun to watch the fireworks. It's not so fun when they happen in your relationship. No worries though. They happen in every relationship because - "stuff happens."

The key is to turn the conflict on its head by pushing that all important "PAUSE BUTTON." 

This pause button short circuits that fight or flight impulse (the instinct that gets triggered during a heated argument) and redirects energy to the problem solving part of the brain. (the neocortex).

So how do you activate this powerful button? 

When that argument is headed to "never, never land" you need to say, "Hold it, what is this going to accomplish?" Then you need to take a time out. This doesn't mean ignoring it or shoving things under the rug. You take a time out to regroup, decompress and clear your mind so you can come back to the discussion and give your feelings the respect they deserve by expressing them when you're calm. 

In my  Marriage Repair Workshop I have couples formulate their  - "Plan NOT to Attack." They describe in detail what they will do when things escalate, how long their time out will be, and what they will do to resolve things in a healthier way. When this plan is in play it can eventually become your new "go to" response and can override those old destructive habits.

So, see if you can develop your own "Plan NOT to Attack" together. This way the only fireworks you see are the ones on the 4th!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage:

 click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

The Power of Facebook

I have a confession to make. I'm not a Facebook person. Wow, I feel un-American just saying that out loud.

I guess it's because I often hear how destructive it can be when it is misused. I have, however, come to realize that it can be a dynamic vehicle for positive change, providing inspiration, hope, and encouragement with exponential power.

So I decided to take the plunge and open a professional page.

My vision for this page has been to provide a space where people can glean creative and innovative ideas for their intimate relationships and also provide a forum to discuss what works in relationships. 

All too often we focus on what isn't working in our relationships and, unfortunately, we usually get more of the same coming into our lives. My philosophy is "what you focus on expands" - you need to focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. I also believe that the seed of the solution is within every one of us.

I invite you to visit my Facebook page - (www.facebook.com/ChristineWilke.Marriage) and share some of your own pearls of wisdom with others. You can share informative, relationship-based articles or quotes that you find especially inspiring, or even just ideas you've come up with in the shower. I'd like this to be a collaborative effort to make the world a more loving place to live.

Once a week, on Wisdom Wednesday, I post a though-provoking message or question for you to respond to. I'd love to hear any suggestions you may have to make this a fun experience for everyone. And get your friends and family on board - the more positive energy, the better.

Relationships can have their challenging moments. It can feel lonely at times when you feel like there's no hope for resolution. But there are also times when growth and healing happen...so jump right in and share your insights, triumphs and victories with others. Who knows, you could be sharing just what someone else needs to hear!

A special note about confidentiality: Please don't share anything that you feel is private or confidential. I honor and respect your privacy and do not want that compromised in any way. If you have a concern that you want to discuss with me privately, feel free to private message me or contact me via my website and I would be happy to speak with you about it.

So if you're up for the challenge, follow me on Facebook and, as they say in Imago, let's start "transforming the world one relationship at a time."

I contributed to an interesting article for the the Huffington Post regarding couples and Facebook. Check it out here

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Marriage Roadmap: How To Avoid The Predictible Speed Bumps

A great relationship takes dedication and that scary word – WORK. This is the good kind of work though, the kind that brings life-long rewards. Don’t you find that anything worthwhile takes work?  Those washboard abs don’t just magically appear and a successful business doesn’t grow by itself. Many hours of blood, sweat, and tears go into these endeavors. Sounds a little like marriage doesn’t it?

Marriages progress through several predictable stages. I’ll cover the three most important ones today:
• Romantic Stage
• Power Struggle Stage
• Conscious Love Stage

The first is the Romantic Stage – when everything feels right and it’s so easy to be together. You want to be with each other all the time because you feel like you’re home at last. In this stage you minimize things you dislike about your partner. This is where that initial bonding occurs, the bonding that helps to sustain the relationship through difficult times.

There is a normal and natural progression to the next stage, which is
the Power Struggle Stage. I emphasize normal and natural because most couples are stunned as they watch their magical union morph into a “night at the fights.” This is when the initial euphoria of finding each other gives way to anger and disillusionment as you start to notice all the little things that annoy you about your partner – his snoring, her messiness. Sadly, many marriages either end at this stage or “white knuckle it”, figuring this is “as good as it gets.”

The good news – there’s another option. It’s the third stage called the Conscious Love Stage. This is the stage when you decide to consciously and intentionally create the kind of relationship you both desire. I call it the “Make-it-Happen” Stage – where you become proactive rather than reactive to each other.

You start to build a foundation for your relationship and discover that what you share is more solid than fleeting feelings. In this stage you make a decision to see your relationship as a healing journey.

The reward is an authentic relationship filled with excitement and passion. Creating this masterpiece takes skill, but how do you hone this fine craft? You practice, practice, practice – until it becomes second nature. You develop and practice new habits of loving connection until they become your new “normal.”

You wouldn’t practice playing the piano when you want to get great at golf. So why would you practice fighting, bickering, and arguing when you want a great relationship? You need to practice what you want, not what you don’t want. Until what you want becomes the new normal. If you want a loving relationship, you have to practice being loving – then let the fun begin!  Start reaping those sweet rewards as you forge ahead with determination toward your “pot of gold”, the wonderful new relationship you are creating together. 

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

How To Build A Healthy Self For A Healthy Marriage

A great relationship starts with giving from an abundant heart and you can’t give what you don’t already have. The habit of good self-care is a key ingredient to a great relationship. It starts with being aware of yourself enough to recognize and know what you need.

I tend to take a holistic approach when it comes to working with clients. I view each person’s situation from a mind-body-spirit perspective. It’s important to focus on all three to create a habit of personal self-care.

Right now, give yourself a few moments to get comfortable and ponder these questions:
• What aspect of my life needs more attention?
• Does my mind need more quiet time or a new hobby?
• Is there a good book I’ve been meaning to read?
• Does my body need more exercise, more sleep, nutritious food?
• Is there an exercise class I’ve been meaning to sign up for?
• Does my spirit need time to meditate or pray?
• Is my pattern of self-talk positive or negative?
• Have I given myself permission and time to play?

As you learn to honor these needs, begin to express them to your partner in a clear and assertive way. The Imago Dialogue helps to create the safe space that’s necessary for sharing these delicate needs and to feel comfortable with this process. When you and your partner take the time to listen, mirror, validate, and empathize with each other, a beautiful (and safe) connection emerges. You are better able to support each other in getting both your needs met in a healthy way.

As with any other type of habit, reflecting on your own needs takes time and practice. As you listen to yourself, they will begin to emerge and your practice of holistic self-care will become second nature. As you both fill your own buckets, you’ll then be able to selflessly share your abundance with each other. 

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

2 Easy Ways To Transform Your Marriage With Gratitude

There is something to be said about gratitude. Author and researcher Dr. Robert Emmons has discovered the secret to a more meaningful life – Gratitude.

Studies have shown that gratitude can improve emotional and physical health, and strengthen relationships and communities.

In my work with couples, I often use the phrase – “What you focus on expands.” quite a lot. If you focus on the flaws in your relationship, you will notice these flaws more often. If, however, you practice this wonderful virtue of gratitude, and focus on what you love and cherish about your partner, the traits that you love will expand in your field of awareness.

Gratitude changes your perception thus changing your world. It works kind of like a prism changing ordinary light into a rainbow of colors. The light doesn’t actually change, but our perception of it changes depending upon how we look through the prism. (pic of prism)

What are some practical ways you can bring gratitude into your life and your relationship?

*Keep a Gratitude Journal

Keeping a gratitude journal about your relationship helps you look past many an annoying habit and can help you rediscover what makes your partner so special.

*The Appreciation Dialogue

One of the variations of the Imago Dialogue that I teach couples  is the Appreciation Dialogue. When couples practice this dialogue regularly they cultivate the habit of noticing and sharing all the things they love about each other. Can you imaging how this could impact your relationship?

Let’s make it a tradition to practice gratitiude  every day of the year so that we can all reap the rewards of a truly blessed and grateful heart.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Can Your Marriage Help You Heal An Unhealthy Childhood?

I tend to prefer to guide my clients toward a more hopeful future with little patience for delving too deeply into the past. Why stay stuck in the past when we can make positive changes to create a better future right now? That being said, sometimes we need to examine where we’ve been in order to know where we’re going.

My training in Imago Relationship Therapy provides a paradigm that blends forward-leaning thinking with an examination of the past that doesn’t leave you stuck there – thus transforming past problems into future possibilities. Surprisingly, the key ingredient, or linchpin, to all this is your marriage. Imago therapy teaches that your marriage is the powerful catalyst that heals the wounds of childhood by transforming worn-out and oftenpainful relationship patterns into new and exciting ways of connecting.

Imago” is the Latin term for image. One of the core precepts of the Imago Process is that each of us carries, deep inside, an unconscious image of our ideal partner. This image develops in childhood and powerfully influences the type of partner we select as adults. It also impacts how we relate to that partner.

We constructed the blueprint of our “Imago” by combining all the positive and negative traits of our parents. It is this blueprint we use in our search for a mate, and it’s familiar and comfortable, but not always healthy. However, it compels us to choose the kind of partner we need in a committed, intimate relationship in order to heal and grow.

Wouldn’t it seem logical, though, that we would choose partners who don’t have the negative attributes of our parents? Why would we search for the very traits that wounded us and caused us so much pain? Because it is the pain from those old wounds that we now seek to heal. Our subconscious is trying to replicate the environment of our upbringing in order to correct it.

When we are physically wounded, our bodies instinctively go into healing mode. Our psyches respond in much the same way. When we look for a mate we are subliminally trying to recreate those same patterns from childhood in order to grow and heal. As these familiar patterns replay in our marriage and those old wounds are reopened, we can work with our partner to change the script of our story from a painful one to a healing one. We can do it differently now. As we grow in our marriage we can respond with the love, compassion and empathy that we so wanted and needed as a child. We can begin to leave those wounds behind by co-creating a healthier reality with our spouse.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Simple Ways That You Can Be The Positive Change In Your Marriage!

Have you ever heard of the Butterfly Effect? The phrase refers to the idea that the flutter of a butterfly’s wings can create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may even alter the path of a tornado in another location. A very small adjustment in a physical system can make a significant difference at some later time and place. The idea is that small steps can eventually lead to big change. Sometimes our intimate relationships can feel like tornados and the obstacles can feel insurmountable. This can be frustrating and often we feel powerless to change. Maybe we can learn something from these tiny creatures.

It’s amazing that these delicate butterflies can make such a big impact on the world. Imagine what impact each of us can make if, instead of blaming our partner for causing the storm, we focus on making a small change in our own behavior that could prevent it.

Marriage is like a dance. It has a certain rhythm to it, and each of us contributes to that rhythm for good or for bad. It is so much more empowering to take responsibility for our steps in this dance. You’d be surprised to discover how much power you have when you own your own stuff. So, just for a week, I want you to take the focus off of what your partner is or isn’t doing, and be that loving presence you so desire. Make the tiny shift and see the positive impact you create.

Now – this is not about condoning bad behavior and allowing it to continue. It’s about examining the situation and asking, “What part of this do I have the power to change?” “What’s the loving response?”

So, in the spirit of taking small steps toward big change this week, I want you to do one thing each day that may bring some happiness into your partner’s life. It could be doing a chore you know they hate to do,or telling them how great they look today. It might be a little love note or even a loving glance – any gesture that may bring more loving energy into your relationship. And be creative!

You might even have some fun along the way…

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Making Marriage Work: The Power of Love

“I love you.” Simple, but oh so powerful. How often do you express your love and appreciation to your partner?

It doesn’t always have to be in words. It can be in the loving things you do - like putting on the coffee in the morning, calling during the day just to check in, or even a loving glance can make all the difference. 

John Gottman, the nation’s top marriage expert, found that happy, stable, long-term relationships had one thing in common: there was a constant ratio of five positive behaviors for every one negative. We need to flood each other with positive, caring behaviors for our relationships to thrive.

What we focus on expands. If you focus on what you love in the relationship, you will experience your partner more positively.

So take some time this week to focus on the things you love about your partner and what’s right about the relationship. Make sure you let them know (and not just in words). 

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

DO YOU LET YOUR MASKS COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE?

Sometimes it’s easier to hide behind masks of anger than to risk being vulnerable. How often do you try to be that prince or princess while burying your own needs deep inside? Things can seem picture perfect on the outside, while quiet desperation brims just under the surface.

One of the first steps on the journey to a more authentic relationship is to create a climate of safety and security. The Couples Dialogue that I teach in my couples is designed to do just that.
It all starts with the way you communicate with each other. This dialogue is a step-by-step process of building trust and intimacy as you begin to actively listen to each other with validation and empathy. Here are a few key components:

• Adopt a curious, focused attention on your partner during the dialogue. Remember, you don’t have to agree. Your goal is to understand a perspective that will most likely be very different than your own.
• Take turns letting each other speak without interruption. When you allow each other to speak freely without judgment, a safe and healthy connection begins to emerge.
• Use phrases like, “I can see how you might see it that way.” or “I imagine that might have made you feel…” to cultivate a sense of validation and empathy.

Being authentic and real in our relationships can be a frightening proposition, but it is one of the key ingredients to a healthy and satisfying relationship.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

The #1 Way To Say "I love you."

It's that time of year again, when the candy, flowers, and teddy bears come out of hiding.

It's the Hallmark holiday that reminds you to tell that special someone you love them.

 There are many ways to say “I love you” and one of the most important ways is by listening.

This focused attention helps your partner feel valued and loved. And it's easier than you think. You don’t have to fix or defend anything. You don’t even have to agree. You just have to listen. If this doesn’t feel natural to you, no worries! Studies show that this is a skill that can be learned. 

Listening is one of the key ingredients in a healthy relationship.  One of the skills I teach my couples is called mirroring.

Mirroring is accurately reflecting back the content of your partner’s message followed by checking in for clarity. Since communication always involves two perspectives, it’s important to try and understand your partner’s world with attention and care.

Mirroring might go something like this:  Your partner expresses something important. Rather than jumping in with how that makes YOU feel, try saying, “So what you’re saying is…” or “Let me see if I understand you…” Then you check in asking, “Did I get you?” or “Is there more you want to say about that?”

It’s a curious, focused attention, a willingness to suspend your own perception for just a moment and be fully part of your partner’s world.

 Mirroring does a couple of important things. It cultivates a safe connection between you and your partner. When we feel safe, we want to do the fun stuff like nurture, play and mate. Secondly, this skill virtually obliterates misunderstanding because you’re reflecting and checking in to make sure you heard the message.

It’s fool proof. So the next time you’re tempted to give your partner that brilliant piece of insight into their problem, try a little mirroring. You might be surprised at how well you connect!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.