Simple Ways That You Can Be The Positive Change In Your Marriage!

Have you ever heard of the Butterfly Effect? The phrase refers to the idea that the flutter of a butterfly’s wings can create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may even alter the path of a tornado in another location. A very small adjustment in a physical system can make a significant difference at some later time and place. The idea is that small steps can eventually lead to big change. Sometimes our intimate relationships can feel like tornados and the obstacles can feel insurmountable. This can be frustrating and often we feel powerless to change. Maybe we can learn something from these tiny creatures.

It’s amazing that these delicate butterflies can make such a big impact on the world. Imagine what impact each of us can make if, instead of blaming our partner for causing the storm, we focus on making a small change in our own behavior that could prevent it.

Marriage is like a dance. It has a certain rhythm to it, and each of us contributes to that rhythm for good or for bad. It is so much more empowering to take responsibility for our steps in this dance. You’d be surprised to discover how much power you have when you own your own stuff. So, just for a week, I want you to take the focus off of what your partner is or isn’t doing, and be that loving presence you so desire. Make the tiny shift and see the positive impact you create.

Now – this is not about condoning bad behavior and allowing it to continue. It’s about examining the situation and asking, “What part of this do I have the power to change?” “What’s the loving response?”

So, in the spirit of taking small steps toward big change this week, I want you to do one thing each day that may bring some happiness into your partner’s life. It could be doing a chore you know they hate to do,or telling them how great they look today. It might be a little love note or even a loving glance – any gesture that may bring more loving energy into your relationship. And be creative!

You might even have some fun along the way…

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Making Marriage Work: The Power of Love

“I love you.” Simple, but oh so powerful. How often do you express your love and appreciation to your partner?

It doesn’t always have to be in words. It can be in the loving things you do - like putting on the coffee in the morning, calling during the day just to check in, or even a loving glance can make all the difference. 

John Gottman, the nation’s top marriage expert, found that happy, stable, long-term relationships had one thing in common: there was a constant ratio of five positive behaviors for every one negative. We need to flood each other with positive, caring behaviors for our relationships to thrive.

What we focus on expands. If you focus on what you love in the relationship, you will experience your partner more positively.

So take some time this week to focus on the things you love about your partner and what’s right about the relationship. Make sure you let them know (and not just in words). 

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

DO YOU LET YOUR MASKS COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE?

Sometimes it’s easier to hide behind masks of anger than to risk being vulnerable. How often do you try to be that prince or princess while burying your own needs deep inside? Things can seem picture perfect on the outside, while quiet desperation brims just under the surface.

One of the first steps on the journey to a more authentic relationship is to create a climate of safety and security. The Couples Dialogue that I teach in my couples is designed to do just that.
It all starts with the way you communicate with each other. This dialogue is a step-by-step process of building trust and intimacy as you begin to actively listen to each other with validation and empathy. Here are a few key components:

• Adopt a curious, focused attention on your partner during the dialogue. Remember, you don’t have to agree. Your goal is to understand a perspective that will most likely be very different than your own.
• Take turns letting each other speak without interruption. When you allow each other to speak freely without judgment, a safe and healthy connection begins to emerge.
• Use phrases like, “I can see how you might see it that way.” or “I imagine that might have made you feel…” to cultivate a sense of validation and empathy.

Being authentic and real in our relationships can be a frightening proposition, but it is one of the key ingredients to a healthy and satisfying relationship.

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

The #1 Way To Say "I love you."

It's that time of year again, when the candy, flowers, and teddy bears come out of hiding.

It's the Hallmark holiday that reminds you to tell that special someone you love them.

 There are many ways to say “I love you” and one of the most important ways is by listening.

This focused attention helps your partner feel valued and loved. And it's easier than you think. You don’t have to fix or defend anything. You don’t even have to agree. You just have to listen. If this doesn’t feel natural to you, no worries! Studies show that this is a skill that can be learned. 

Listening is one of the key ingredients in a healthy relationship.  One of the skills I teach my couples is called mirroring.

Mirroring is accurately reflecting back the content of your partner’s message followed by checking in for clarity. Since communication always involves two perspectives, it’s important to try and understand your partner’s world with attention and care.

Mirroring might go something like this:  Your partner expresses something important. Rather than jumping in with how that makes YOU feel, try saying, “So what you’re saying is…” or “Let me see if I understand you…” Then you check in asking, “Did I get you?” or “Is there more you want to say about that?”

It’s a curious, focused attention, a willingness to suspend your own perception for just a moment and be fully part of your partner’s world.

 Mirroring does a couple of important things. It cultivates a safe connection between you and your partner. When we feel safe, we want to do the fun stuff like nurture, play and mate. Secondly, this skill virtually obliterates misunderstanding because you’re reflecting and checking in to make sure you heard the message.

It’s fool proof. So the next time you’re tempted to give your partner that brilliant piece of insight into their problem, try a little mirroring. You might be surprised at how well you connect!

If you would like to talk to me personally about how to have a more passionate and supportive marriage click here to set up a Discovery Session with me.

Welcome To My Love Your Marriage Blog

Welcome to my blog. My goal is to make this a place where people can glean creative and innovative ideas for their relationships; a forum to discuss what works. So often we focus on what Isn’t working in our intimate relationships. Unfortunately we usually get more of the same coming into our lives. My philosophy is: “What you focus on expands.” You want to focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. I also believe that the seed of the solution is within every one of us. I invite you to share your pearls of wisdom with others here so that we can all make a positive impact on the world together.